11% Hidden, 25% Explosive and 33% Chronic!

Hidden or Masked Styles 11% Hidden

A. Anger Avoidance — People who believe anger is bad, scary, or useless. They can’t use anger appropriately in their lives.

I try to never get angry.

I get really nervous when others get angry.

I think I'm doing something bad and feel guilty when I get angry.

They need to work on accepting feelings of anger as normal events in life. They need to practice using it well. They need to learn that they’re not bad people when they stand up for themselves- In general they need to learn how to be assertive as a tool for self- caring (vs. their believing they are being selfish in a bad way).

B. ‘Sneaky” Anger — Passive aggressive individuals whose power centers on frustrating others through inaction.

I tell people I'll do what they want, but then I often forget.

I say things lIke "Yeah, but... " and "I'll do it later."

People tell me I must be angry, but I'm not sure why.

They need to own the fact that they’re angry. They‘re typically angry at others, who tend to push them around, and they’re angry at themselves for not having the guts to stand up for themselves when they’re treated that way. They need to challenge their sense of weakness, summon their courage, and learn to act on their own behalf.  Lastly, they need to let go of the fun they get out of frustrating others. (Anger sneaks get trapped in their own success. This style works. They prove over and over again that nobody can make them do anything they’re not willing to do.  How important is that one point? Is it important enough to wrap ones whole life around it? That sure leaves a lot of other important things out, don‘t you think?)

C. Paranoid Anger — Anger projected onto others and then defended against with “defensive” anger and aggression.

I get jealous a lot, even when there's no reason.

I don't trust people very much.

Sometimes I think people are out to get me.

They need to assume that any time they think someone is angry at them, it’s really the other way around, and they’re the ones who are angry. (Granted, sometimes others may be mad at you too, but that’s not your problem —your own anger is!!) They need to learn to deal with their own guilty feelings, greed, envy, and jealousy. They likely have work to do on their self-worth. They need to end their vigilance and proof-seeking behaviors, and Iearn to trust. (Perhaps a word re: possessiveness and respect: there seems to be a personal ownership element to relationships in our society, that I’m pretty sure is not truly loving or respecful, of others or of ourselves.)

Explosive Styles 25% Explosive

A. Sudden Anger - Anger comes out as rapid, usually short-lived, intense bursts.

My anger comes out really fast.

I act before I think when I get angry.

My anger goes away quickly after I explode.

They need to learn about their build-up process - what the indicators of their approaching the explosion are. They need to make a commitment to use timeouts as necessary to avoid saying or doing things they, and others, will later regret. They need to learn ways to slow down their anger. They may need to make a commitment to work towards almost never getting angry. They'd benefit from learning relaxation skills and a slow, easy, and calm manner of living.

B. Shame-Based Anger - Anger reflects perceived attacks upon a person's core self. It comes on fast, but it goes away slowly because the exploder usually feels worse and more ashamed after an outburst than before.

I get very angry when people criticize me.

People say I am easily hurt and oversensitive.

I get angry when I feel bad about myself.

There are three things these individuals need to do. The first is to break the shame/rage connection by assuming that most of the time, when they get angry, there's some sort of shame that's been triggered. The trick is to use the anger as a signal of the shame and address the shame directly rather than exploding or continuing the explosion. Ask the question "What am I ashamed about right now?" Next, they must begin to heal their shame. They'll know they're doing better when they believe: "I am good" - "I am good enough. "- "I am loveable. "- "I belong. " - "I am. " The work is slow. They might pick one of those statements and put it in their own words and context, (such as "I am good enough. " might be "I do my work well. I don't need to make excuses. ") then let themselves experience how that feels to them. They could then explore what they might do differently in their lives to fulfill that better. Over time, with those sorts of efforts, shame turns into self-respect and healthy pride.  Lastly, these people need to learn to treat others with respect. They've traditionally responded to their own feelings of shame by dumping on others. They need to learn to listen and appreciate others, passing on the opportunities to insult, attack, or criticize.

C. Deliberate Anger - Anger that is purposely displayed in order to intimidate.

I get mad in order to get what I want.

I try to scare others with my anger.

I can pretend to be very mad when I'm really OK.

These individuals need to explore gains and losses associated with this behavior. They might benefit from some empathy work, and from learning more effective communication skills. They need to learn to quit trying to control others, ask for what they want, and learn to live with not always getting it.

D. Excitatory or Addictive Anger - These individuals seek the intensity of the anger "rush".

Sometimes I get angry just for the excitement or action.

I like the strong sensations that come with my anger.

My anger takes over and I go out of control.

The answers are: calmness, moderation, and healthy choicemaking. They need to recognize that they're slaves to their anger if it makes them bite on every lure that comes by. They need to learn to say "no" to most of the anger invitations they receive.

Chronic Styles 33% Chronic

A Habitual Anger — Automatic thoughts and actions perpetuate non-functional anger.

I seem to get angry all the time.

I just can't break the habit of getting angry a lot.

I get mad without thinking - it just happens.

Increase awareness of habitual behavior. Focus on choices. Cultivate a habit of optimism by recognizing positive possibilities. Practice, practice, practice!

B. Moral Anger — Auger is perceived as justified, righteous, for a cause greater than self-interest.

I get very angry when I defend my beliefs and opinions.

I feel outraged about what others try to get away with.

I always know I'm right in an argument.

These individuals would benefit from empathy to de-devilize others. Change here requires a willingness to become painfully honest with self-confrontation and challenging the narcissism. They need to develop humility.

C. Resentment / Hate — Others are treated as loathsome and unforgivable.

I hang onto my anger for a long time.

I have a hard time forgiving people.

I hate people for what they've done to me.

Resentment harms the person with the resentments far more than it ever hurts the person resented. These individuals need to learn to give themselves the gift of forgiveness.